Dad, United Kingdom shared by Chloe

My dad was officially diagnosed in September 2023 with cancer in his lung and stomach. The severity of the cancer which was stage 4 was not registering for my dad and sometimes I believed that too. I believe my dad should have been diagnosed early than this as he was back and forth to the hospital with stomach problems, they put it down to IBS but in hindsight I believe he had cancer, they just did not do the correct tests to pick it up.
He responded well to chemo, didn't lose any hair and was occasionally sick after the treatment. The hardest part for him was he could not work, which he loved and did more than he ever should have. Some check up appointments were good, the growths hadn't grown or minimal. My dads preference was to carry on as normal, living, working but this was not do able because he was very unwell and getting worse. Unfortunately he was in denial to the very end which made it very hard for me.
My dad sadly passed away in June 2024.

The biggest challenge for me personally was my dad being in denial and having to agree with him most of the time because I did not have the heart to tell him he was going to die. I just tried to keep him as happy and positive as I could so he could keep fighting. The physical treatment was tough because I wanted to be there for all the treatments and I was for most but we did not live close so I had to travel down and pay to stay in hotels and petrol/trains etc. It ended up being very expensive but we made it work. Navigating the healthcare system was not easy but I did have the advantage of knowing the hospital my dad was because himself and my mum both worked there so I grew up around the hospital and to some extent I understood the "lingo".
Another huge challenge was feeling alone. This wasn't due to not having people around me because I did have, family, friends and Macmillan I just felt overwhelmingly alone. My mum and dad had separated many years ago so its just me and my brother and I am the more logical, put together one and he shared in same denial as my dad so not just my dad asking questions I knew the answer to but could not be honest, I had my brother doing the same and it was crushing me.

I got through due to the love and support of loved ones. Without them I do not know where I would be today, they picked up and made sure I was taking care of myself and when I couldn't they did it for me. Macmillan was a great help as well, some of the staff there were absolutely amazing, they went above and beyond and they just understood me and my dad and they just got it.

Looking back it was not good, in regards to my dad clearly having cancer when they said it was just IBS. If they caught it earlier would he have died? So many questions come from this but there is nothing that can be done so I try to forget about it.
The hospital he had all his treatment, appointments and stays at were mostly good, it was more of an individual basis rather than healthcare as a whole. I believe a lot of nurses need to be retrained in care and compassion in those cancer / end of life wards. I unfortunately got pushed to my limits only 5 or so days before my dad died. My dad had a lot of anxiety because he was breathless and very drowsy. His Obs machine was a way to calm him down so he wanted to have it. Initially this was not an issue and they said absolutely! if it makes you feel better then you can have it. One day I come back from a quick freshair break to find the "matron" was trying to take it away, my dad was very emotional and angry they were trying to do this and they would not listen to him. At this point I lost my temper and I spoke with another member of staff to get them to stop, I was in tears, I was tired, I was losing the will to carry on. I stayed with my dad for 12 hours every day for nearly 2 weeks before he died. I got by by trying to stay calm and collected. This situation knocked me over. Crisis was everted in the end but this was an awful experience

This is my advice for someone caring for someone with incurable cancer. It will get better. I spent so many days and nights in pieces because I thought this is my life now, the stress, the heartbreak, the guilt, just everything. Its hard but I was strong and I got through. When the time is coming to an end do not feel guilty for wanting it to be over, you are not a bad person for wanting your loved one to be at peace and free of pain. Lean on everyone, literally everyone who offers anything, just take you because you need it.
Message for NHS England - RETRAIN YOUR CANCER CARE STAFF! Teach them compassion, patience and love. Make sure the nurses going above and beyond are recognised and applauded because without there support I don't know where I would be today.